boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
