So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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