I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
