So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
