Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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