I'm gonna have a badass scar
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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