Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
