WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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