In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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