I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
