haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
