His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
