I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
