after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
