I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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