The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I am one with the molecules
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
