I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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