Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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