Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
