Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
