Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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