There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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