I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
