Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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