im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
