this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize