Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
