I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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