But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
