You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
