just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
