I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
