but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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