he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I understand Curling. That high.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
