When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
When did angry sex become our thing?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Your penis caused this!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
