I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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