I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
