I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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