Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
