i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
