the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
