did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i was born a porn star she said
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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