i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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