She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
