yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
