I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
