you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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