If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
