I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
