Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
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