my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
