At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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