I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
