im six kinds of drunk right now
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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