I think I won the penis lottery.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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