why didn't you poke me back
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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