Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
