I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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