Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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