Umm I'm too high to move.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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