He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
