You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
