i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
